Sunday, June 8, 2008

Ten Reasons to Skip Indiana Jones

  1. No comedic timing. I was stunned at the lack of comedic timing. Usually Indiana Jones films are full of action and comedy. The way that Shia LaBeouf kept combing his hair over and over and over....and over again was the writers way of saying, "Someone please help me rewrite this because isn't it obvious to you that I can't write a joke! Help." It was apparent that no one listened. And poor Harrison Ford, where did his timing go? Was he too exhausted from trying to get Calista Flockhart to eat something that he had nothing left to give to the movie?
  2. Lack of cast chemistry. You could have brought in 5 strangers from across the world and if all of them spoke a different language, they would have more chemistry than what appeared on screen. I don't know...if I were directing and I noticed the huge lack of chemistry, maybe just maybe I would have a day where the cast could bond...maybe have them do a rope course in the woods or some kind of trust exercise. I think that they all probably stayed in their tailors preoccupied by their Blackberries and didn't bother with any human interaction at all.
  3. Really, aliens? It was like Indiana Jones meets Stargate except Stargate is actually funny and well done. Aliens just do not belong in the series. Were Lucas, Spielberg and Ford (from not on I'll call them LSF) getting high one day and in their marijuana stupor decided..."dude...aliens...that is a fucking BRILLIANT idea...the world will love it, man."? Seriously, I really am baffled by how that came about. Was it a case of the emperor had no clothes and LSF were surrounded by "yes" men?
  4. Shia LaBeouf. That it...just Shia LaBeouf.
  5. Karen Allen. I heard the funniest line on a radio show last week: Karen Allen is the happiest person to be in a movie, ever. She had a stupid grin on her face the whole time. What happened to the charisma between her and Ford? Has she been couped up for too long with here sewing or knitting (I can't remember which) and lost all ability to interact with another human being, not to mention her ability to pretend she is someone else. That is called acting, Karen. Have you heard of it? I also had a hard time with her banter with Ford there was just no spark there. I can't blame it all on her though...the horrible, horrible writing had something to do with it too.
  6. Indy's son: How can Karen Allen break the news to her former lover, Indiana Jones, that this hair combing "kid" he can't stand is his son and his reaction is so matter of fact? Wouldn't you think that if you are using that as a main storyline in the movie that there would be a bit more discussion/reaction/questions? Even just a minute or least give that couple of minutes for the audience to be able to soak it in (and not disgusted) with LaBeouf (aka freakboy) to be Indy's son.
  7. "My accent! My accent! Has anyone seen my accent?" That should have been Cate Blanchette's line throughout their whole time filming on set. When she did have her accent it was akin to Natasha Fatale's accent from the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. Maybe she was a huge fan of R&B when she was a kid and has never met anyone from Russia or heard a Russian accent. I thought that as a actor before you start filming that you are suppose to do a little research or at least consult with a speech coach. Maybe not. What do I know?
  8. The Wig. Did you notice that while Ford was riding on the back of the motorcycle with the Shia LaBeouf character that a stunt man was there instead? I'm sorry, I'm doubting your intelligence, dear reader. I know you noticed that the stunt man's wig looked NOTHING like the back of Harrison Ford's head. In fact, it reminded me of a bad Bill Clinton wig. Lucas spent ummm...millions on this movie, he couldn't afford the $2000 for an actual look alike wig. I know you noticed it. My question is how could LSF not realize that you would notice?
  9. The action scenes. I think the action scenes were awkward and weak. I know, some people say that the nuclear scene was a "classic" Jones scene. I say it is not. Classic Jones scenes are great because the outcomes are left to chance...Indiana Jones is a lucky guy, face it. That is what makes the action scenes in the other three movies great. Lets take for example the nuclear scene: Ok, I can see Jones hiding in the lead refrigerator and maybe being blown up in the blast, I'll buy into that. But for the amount of times the CGI refrigerator hit the ground and Ford rolled out of it unharmed was so unbelievable, that I thought it insulted the audience's intelligence. Now I think they could have made it better by bringing in Lady Luck. Maybe have the refrigerator fly through the air and land in a pool to cushion the fall. Or land in a tree then hit the ground. Not fly through the air at the force of a nuclear explosion then hit the ground 8-25 times, then roll out of the refrigerator. Awful. Just awful.
  10. CGI. The last thing I expected to see was a movie full of CGI. It's hard to keep that classic Indian-Jones-"B"-movie feel to it when you insert a ton of computer generated images. I HATED the Shia LaBeouf character swinging on vines like he is effing Tarzan. I hated the waterfall scenes (can you say Disney ride?). I've already gone over the nuclear scene. Classic Indian Jones is anything but CGI, there was way too much of it being used in this (hopefully) last movie.
The first thing I said to Justin when the movie was over was that I felt embarrassed for Spielberg, Ford, and Lucas. And I still do. I, like you, wanted this movie to be the best one yet, to end the series on a happy note. I really, really wish it did.

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