Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Hard but not hopeless

Well, I'm doing so much better today. Justin and I went to smash plates yesterday, which felt good to let out some of the sadness and anger...but I think it was much more cathartic for me to write the post I did yesterday. So thank you for listening.

I don't know what to call what happened to me yesterday other than a crisis. I know we lost Z over two months ago but the last several weeks I felt things bubbling up inside of me. It would be a little twinge here and there, nothing significant. I just rationalized it and then moved on. Or so I thought.

Two days ago the bubbling turned into something bigger. I literally felt a shift happen that was prompted by a photo. It was a powerful shift. I went from having compassion for Z's biological family and sadness for all involved in this horrible situation to suddenly feeling anger, betrayal, and a deep, deep sadness. I imagine my new feelings were what our families and friends have been feeling for us all along.

These new feelings sat with me for two days, hour by hour getting worse and worse. Yesterday morning, before I wrote yesterday's blog post, was the most scared I've ever been. There has never been a point so dark in my life where I could not see things getting better. So I called a crisis hotline to talk to someone who I knew would not just spew out platitudes. I just needed to hear from someone that it will get better; which thankfully, I heard.

After I got off the phone, I decided to write; something I have not done for years. What came out was yesterday's post...written while crying and angry. I honestly did not feel better until I hit the "publish" button. I think because I have not wanted to share the how badly I've felt, it was a release to put it out there and let everyone know that I am not okay. I am broken and battered and tired all the while still being angry and sad and emotionally raw.

Today is still hard however it is not hopeless. And for that, I am grateful.

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